Gifts.

Christmas came early for me.
Mom had my gifts sent to my apartment in Austin before I left for my hometown.

But in case you were wondering what I got:

- accent chair
- beer pilsners (8)
- dinnerware (4)
- gifts cards: Gap, Panera, Subway, Target, Wal*Mart
- picture frames (6)
- wine glasses (4)

I'm most excited about the wine glasses because they can hold an entire bottle of wine.
Did I say I was cutting down on the drinking?
... who was I kidding?

Merry Christmas everyone!
What'd you get??

"Congratulations" to the groom. "Best Wishes" to the groom.

It's the eve of my departure from my hometown.
Current temp; 22 degrees, blowing snow.

I've been in Iowa for eight days now.

It was great to see aunts and uncles - some more than others.
It was great to see my sisters and brother.
It was great to see my mom and stepdad.

Prior to this trip, I had numerous high school friends to reconnect with ...
No reconnections established.
In fact, I successfully eluded everyone's glances at Christmas Eve mass at my old church - except for Mrs. Temeyer, my high school journalism teacher. She was in the top row of the choir and I could feel her eyes burning alliterations into my skull all through the sermon.
She hugged me while I was concentrating on the hems of my 511's.

Based upon physical observations, my former classmates in church that night appeared to have grown out - I mean up; grown up. If not married already, many are now engaged. A few even have kids already.

I always thought that marriage was kind of an end-all.
Like, a person gets married when they're ready to settle down.
Your life is no longer the focus ... 'your' life suddenly becomes 'our' life.
And then you have children.

If marriage is an end-all, children is a death sentence.

Well, I used to think this.

On Saturday, my grandparent's home hosted relatives from all sides of the family - and what a difference a year makes. There were kids everywhere.
Instead of holding a baby, I carefully picked up a bottle of wine from the fridge and nursed it instead.
The day dragged on and the party got smaller and smaller ...
New Mommys and Daddys were searching all over the expansive house for lost booties, pacifiers, bottles, etc... and I was asked to hold a baby girl.

I set down the wine and held the baby.
She started to cry.
I panicked.

As cliché as this is, she looked in my eyes for awhile and stopped crying. She gripped my fingers. She fell asleep.

Shiiit.

She got me. She was so precious ... and I wanted one.
I put a reminder in my phone to put a baby girl on my 2011 Christmas Wish List.

So, I'm cool w/ the kid thing.
Now my only problem is marriage.

I never saw myself getting married. Ever.
Now that I'm seeing people I've grown up with and are my own age getting engaged, married, hitched, etc ... all I can think about is how I cannot do any of those things.

Definitely now - and still awhile from now, gay-marriage will not held w/ the same regard as a marriage between a male and a female ... sad, but true.
If I had brought my serious boyfriend home for the holidays, planned a surprise proposal, then expected my family to gush over the ring when he asked for someone to pass the dinner rolls - it wouldn't fly.
(It's not within my character to parttake in the above cliché anyway)
When I see some of the gays on Facebook listed as "ENGAGED" to their boyfriend - I just roll my eyes.
And in the distant future, when same-sex marriage/unions are legal nation-wide, will there be any kind of honor attached to the marriage title? - the lustre is already diminishing now-a-days w/ the two out of three marriages ending in divorce.

This saddens me.
Remember, I have a black heart - so it's nothing that will wreck me.
But I don't think I can be truly happy for my friends and family members getting engaged this time of year because I'll always be a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Pretending to be deep.

This is a reaction paper I did for a philosophy class. Sometimes, I'm too sassy for my own good. Let me know what you think:

Benjamin Haight

Epicurean

Philosophy T/Th; 2:50

December 7, 2010

Reaction: Existentialism is a Humanism

“Existentialism is a Humanism” was written by Jean-Paul Sartre to offer a defense of existentialism against several reproaches that have been laid against it in the early twentieth century.

Sartre labels himself as an Atheistic Existentialist who believes if God does not exist, there is at least one being whose existence comes before its essence, a being which exists before it can be defined by any conception of it. That being is man and mankind (Sartre). His simple viewpoint is this; existence precedes essence.

A key example in Sartre’s definition is that man first of all exists; he encounters himself, surges up in the world and defines himself afterwards. Thus, man is responsible for what he becomes and there is no predestined plan to which man should follow – something many believers of God think throughout their lives. The key for existentialists is the ability of people to make the proper choices in their lives. There is no single human nature which limits us in what we can do; according to Sartre, we are all radically free and capable of doing whatever we want. It is the affirmation of humanity’s freedom which is the only appropriate humanism we should follow.

I fully agree with Jean-Paul Sartre – man simply is what he wills. Some view my long-standing stance on God’s non-existence as sad and pessimistic. I feel I just see the world as a realist.

We have fully entered into the holiday season and recently an American Atheist group has posted a billboard outside the Lincoln Tunnel in New Jersey depicting the biblical reference of the three kings following the North Star to bring gifts to a baby Jesus. In large white lettering, the billboard states, “You know it’s a myth.” Being raised a Catholic, I know all about the reasons behind Christmas – and presently, I couldn’t be more amused by this advertisement.

I accept that the bible is a collection of fables created to aid folks in honesty, morality and a sense of faith, but I ridicule those who believe those stories as fact.

As an American, I’m aware of that internal mantra of “achieving the American dream,” and see the connection with Sartre’s view that no one is made better by anything other than their own actions. Where would we be today if everyone simply offered their outcome to chance – I’m sorry, “faith?”

Man, before all else, propels himself toward a future and is aware he is doing so.