It's the eve of my departure from my hometown.
Current temp; 22 degrees, blowing snow.
I've been in Iowa for eight days now.
It was great to see aunts and uncles - some more than others.
It was great to see my sisters and brother.
It was great to see my mom and stepdad.
Prior to this trip, I had numerous high school friends to reconnect with ...
No reconnections established.
In fact, I successfully eluded everyone's glances at Christmas Eve mass at my old church - except for Mrs. Temeyer, my high school journalism teacher. She was in the top row of the choir and I could feel her eyes burning alliterations into my skull all through the sermon.
She hugged me while I was concentrating on the hems of my 511's.
Based upon physical observations, my former classmates in church that night appeared to have grown out - I mean up; grown up. If not married already, many are now engaged. A few even have kids already.
I always thought that marriage was kind of an end-all.
Like, a person gets married when they're ready to settle down.
Your life is no longer the focus ... 'your' life suddenly becomes 'our' life.
And then you have children.
If marriage is an end-all, children is a death sentence.
Well, I used to think this.
On Saturday, my grandparent's home hosted relatives from all sides of the family - and what a difference a year makes. There were kids everywhere.
Instead of holding a baby, I carefully picked up a bottle of wine from the fridge and nursed it instead.
The day dragged on and the party got smaller and smaller ...
New Mommys and Daddys were searching all over the expansive house for lost booties, pacifiers, bottles, etc... and I was asked to hold a baby girl.
I set down the wine and held the baby.
She started to cry.
I panicked.
As cliché as this is, she looked in my eyes for awhile and stopped crying. She gripped my fingers. She fell asleep.
Shiiit.
She got me. She was so precious ... and I wanted one.
I put a reminder in my phone to put a baby girl on my 2011 Christmas Wish List.
So, I'm cool w/ the kid thing.
Now my only problem is marriage.
I never saw myself getting married. Ever.
Now that I'm seeing people I've grown up with and are my own age getting engaged, married, hitched, etc ... all I can think about is how I cannot do any of those things.
Definitely now - and still awhile from now, gay-marriage will not held w/ the same regard as a marriage between a male and a female ... sad, but true.
If I had brought my serious boyfriend home for the holidays, planned a surprise proposal, then expected my family to gush over the ring when he asked for someone to pass the dinner rolls - it wouldn't fly.
(It's not within my character to parttake in the above cliché anyway)
When I see some of the gays on Facebook listed as "ENGAGED" to their boyfriend - I just roll my eyes.
And in the distant future, when same-sex marriage/unions are legal nation-wide, will there be any kind of honor attached to the marriage title? - the lustre is already diminishing now-a-days w/ the two out of three marriages ending in divorce.
This saddens me.
Remember, I have a black heart - so it's nothing that will wreck me.
But I don't think I can be truly happy for my friends and family members getting engaged this time of year because I'll always be a bridesmaid, never a bride.
Current temp; 22 degrees, blowing snow.
I've been in Iowa for eight days now.
It was great to see aunts and uncles - some more than others.
It was great to see my sisters and brother.
It was great to see my mom and stepdad.
Prior to this trip, I had numerous high school friends to reconnect with ...
No reconnections established.
In fact, I successfully eluded everyone's glances at Christmas Eve mass at my old church - except for Mrs. Temeyer, my high school journalism teacher. She was in the top row of the choir and I could feel her eyes burning alliterations into my skull all through the sermon.
She hugged me while I was concentrating on the hems of my 511's.
Based upon physical observations, my former classmates in church that night appeared to have grown out - I mean up; grown up. If not married already, many are now engaged. A few even have kids already.
I always thought that marriage was kind of an end-all.
Like, a person gets married when they're ready to settle down.
Your life is no longer the focus ... 'your' life suddenly becomes 'our' life.
And then you have children.
If marriage is an end-all, children is a death sentence.
Well, I used to think this.
On Saturday, my grandparent's home hosted relatives from all sides of the family - and what a difference a year makes. There were kids everywhere.
Instead of holding a baby, I carefully picked up a bottle of wine from the fridge and nursed it instead.
The day dragged on and the party got smaller and smaller ...
New Mommys and Daddys were searching all over the expansive house for lost booties, pacifiers, bottles, etc... and I was asked to hold a baby girl.
I set down the wine and held the baby.
She started to cry.
I panicked.
As cliché as this is, she looked in my eyes for awhile and stopped crying. She gripped my fingers. She fell asleep.
Shiiit.
She got me. She was so precious ... and I wanted one.
I put a reminder in my phone to put a baby girl on my 2011 Christmas Wish List.
So, I'm cool w/ the kid thing.
Now my only problem is marriage.
I never saw myself getting married. Ever.
Now that I'm seeing people I've grown up with and are my own age getting engaged, married, hitched, etc ... all I can think about is how I cannot do any of those things.
Definitely now - and still awhile from now, gay-marriage will not held w/ the same regard as a marriage between a male and a female ... sad, but true.
If I had brought my serious boyfriend home for the holidays, planned a surprise proposal, then expected my family to gush over the ring when he asked for someone to pass the dinner rolls - it wouldn't fly.
(It's not within my character to parttake in the above cliché anyway)
When I see some of the gays on Facebook listed as "ENGAGED" to their boyfriend - I just roll my eyes.
And in the distant future, when same-sex marriage/unions are legal nation-wide, will there be any kind of honor attached to the marriage title? - the lustre is already diminishing now-a-days w/ the two out of three marriages ending in divorce.
This saddens me.
Remember, I have a black heart - so it's nothing that will wreck me.
But I don't think I can be truly happy for my friends and family members getting engaged this time of year because I'll always be a bridesmaid, never a bride.
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