How to be a Villain

For a long time now, I've known that I was meant to be bigger than myself ... I knew I was born into this world for a greater purpose. I was meant to be a spy.
I mean, come on. Isn't it obvious?

I can run; pretty fast and pretty far. I run pretty too! :)
I can drive pretty much anything, and drive it fast! One time, I drove a 1987 Buick Century over a hump-set of railroad tracks by Fareway grocery store in my hometown at 50 mph. Yeah, airborn (I ended up doing the same w/ my Mom's Pontiac minivan once too) Get-aways will be easy!
I can fight; I punched out a Pacific Islander once. Gave him a swift kick to the head too. And those Pacific Islanders are tricky...
I own seasons one and two of ALIAS and the Bourne trilogy - I'm studying that shit all the time!
I'm quite the charmer too ... I'll have those boys falling for me left and right (sorry ladies).

So today, after setting up and decorating the Christmas tree that finally came in the mail, I started reading a book a friend gave me, titled, "How to be a Villain."
Chapter One was simply getting started w/ the forces of darkness. Like the benefits of being evil, choosing an evil name and deciding where to put your evil lair.
Did you know Darth Vader said, "If you only knew the power of the Dark Side... ?"
Well, Darth ... I'm learning!

Okay, so maybe I don't want to be a villain, but emphasize on spy, secret agent.
Someone once told me the best qualifications to be recruited are:
No parents.
No siblings.
Limited political involvement.

Well, shit.
Technically I have four parents. Mom, Dad, Stepdad, Dad's partner.
Siblings? Hmm ... I am the oldest of five.
Whatever - they can all keep a secret!
Political involvement? Please, I'm barely registered to vote.

Looks like I'm set, right?! I should be getting that letter any day now.